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Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

Major floods hit Northern England!

Epicentre: Rotherham, England

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing almost Ł30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were ruined.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rotherham.

One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite said:
"It were such a shock, my little lass Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

I were still shaking when I were watching Kilroy t' next morning".

However, locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from PoundStretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his / hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sports socks

Rockfort boots or any other product sold by Primark.

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not donate anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

Ł2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

Ł5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves.

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food, Caesar for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter - the obvious improvement in housing might cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Sheffield

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

This gives you an idea why I (and perhaps Jon) aren't too unhappy to be living in Poland.

Certainly beats the hell out of Rotherham! (Not to mention Doncaster, Barnsley, Wakefield, Dewsbury ...)

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!



I did my PGCE in nearby Sheffield. The last time I visited they had installed a truely wonderful water fountain in the very centre of the city. Young women with fiercely tied-back pony tails were running around in wet bikinis. Not such a bad place ...

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

I spent many a happy half-hour at Sheffield bus station ...(National Express from Leicester, White Rose to Dewsbury)

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

Rumour has it that some of the flood victims floated away on rafts made of empty plastic Diamond White bottles and bingo boards.

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

"I spent many a happy half-hour at Sheffield bus station ...(National Express from Leicester, White Rose to Dewsbury) "

I don't know Dewsbury or much about the delights of Sheffield bus station. I spent my spare time travelling up and down the Hope Valley railway line - Sheffield, Hathersage, Hope, Edale and back again to Sheffield. A splendid part of England.

Re: Jon left bewildered as major floods hit Northern England!

Which reminds me - I'm introducing my Polish nephew to English through the cunning device of Thomas the Tank Engine videos!

Seriously, Yorkshire has some fantastic parts to it, and there are far more great days out to be had there than in Mazowsze. But there was nowhere as good as Biebrza or Bialowieża though - but they're more like a weekend thing.