Greetings, Columbo fans! Warm thanks to all of you for visiting and posting (and for bearing with us through the blizzard of spam). As most of you know, it is a holiday tradition on this site for me to post my Columbo poem, which was read and appreciated by Peter Falk way back in 2000. Here it is, along with my sincere thanks and best wishes for all of you. Merry Christmas!




“Christmas with Columbo”

By Ted Kerin

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through L.A.
Not a killer was creeping -- not even O.J.

I was just out of prison, and living alone
In a lousy apartment, with no TV or phone.

I had just settled down for some chili and beer,
Thinking Christmas was gonna be crummy this year.

When all of a sudden, from over the roof,
I heard a big bang, and a shout and a woof.

I ran to the door, and looked out through the snow,
To see if an airplane was flying too low.

When, what should appear to my wondering eye,
But a rusty Peugeot -- sailing down from the sky!

With a little old driver, so shabby and slow,
I thought for a moment, it's a flying hobo!

The Peugeot poured smoke from its hood and its tires.
It looked like the engine would burst into fires.

Then I looked a bit closer, and heard a weird sound –
Like the baying and barking of eight basset hounds.

And that's when I saw that the Peugeot was towed
By eight basset hounds, dropping poop in the snow.

The man and his dogs were enjoying the game,
And he chuckled and laughed as he yelled all their names:

"On, Dog!…and Dog!…and Dog!…and, Dog!
And Dog!…and Dog!…and Dog!…and Dog!"

The Peugeot's exhaust shot a flame and a flash,
Then the heap and its load hit my lawn, with a crash.

The driver crawled out, like a bear from a cave,
And he held up his hand, and he gave me a wave.

His droll little face was unwashed and unshaved --
He looked like an elf who was slightly depraved.

He wore an old raincoat, all greasy and smelly,
That hung like a rag, down his back and his belly.

His collar was frayed, his necktie was torn,
His suit was all baggy and wrinkled and worn.

A five o'clock shadow was wreathed 'round his face.
His shoes were a terrible, awful disgrace.

As I stared at this bum, from bottom to top,
I thought, "One thing's certain, he can't be a cop."

But he took out a badge and he showed it to me.
"I'm Lieutenant Columbo, L.A.P.D."

He muttered and mumbled, and scratched at his head,
Like a terrier searching for fleas in his bed.

He stared at my feet, which made me confused,
’Til he blurted out "What did you pay for your shoes?"

I was too stunned to answer, I didn't reply.
Then he looked at me funny, with one glassy eye.

He spoke not a word, but walked straight through my door,
Trailing ashes and eggshells and crud on my floor.

"I hope you don't mind, I know I'm a pest ,"
He said, as he gestured and scratched at his chest.

"I'm terribly sorry to bother this way,
I need something to eat, I've had such a long day."

He spotted the chili, right there on my table,
And went for it, fast as his bow-legs were able.

He sniffed, as he stuck his nose down in my chili.
He looked like his dog, and I laughed myself silly.

"Say, this is terrific!" he said with a grin,
Then he opened his mouth and he shoveled it in.

"Have you got some ketchup and crackers?" he asked.
I gave him some, then he returned to his task.

Then, laying a finger aside of his ear,
He let out a belch, and he drank all my beer.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" he said with delight,
And before I could answer, he said, "Got a light?"

I gave him a match, and he lit a cigar.
It smelled like a sock that was dipped in old tar.

He huffed and he puffed, and he billowed with smoke.
I started to cough, then I started to choke.

His face filled with bliss, and he started to roam.
He said, "My wife won't let me smoke these at home."

Then he went for the door, and he said "Thank you, sir.”
"You've been very kind, I'm a big fan of yours."

He started to leave, and he started to sing,
Then turning his head, he said "Just one more thing!

"To bring you this gift, I have come from afar!"
And he pressed in my hand, a smelly cigar.


The cigar was all moldy and stinky and dry,
But I thanked him, and waved him a shaky good-bye.

And then he was gone, in a smoky white fog,
With a bang from his car and a bark from his dogs.

I saw nothing more than the trail of his smoke,
But I heard a hoarse voice, singing out with a croak:

"This old man, he played two…
Merry Christmas day to you…
Knick-knack, paddy-wack, fa-la-la-la-la…
Peace to all, both near and far…"


As I thought of that man who was dressed like a bum,
I asked myself why he had bothered to come.

Then I felt the cigar that I clutched in my hand,
Suddenly start to erupt and expand.

What magic is this? I wanted to know,
As the stogie continued to rumble and grow.

The cigar got real big, and it turned into wood.
I said to myself, this must be something good.

And when the cigar got as big as a hog,
I realized it had become a Yule Log.

I dropped that Yule Log on my stove with a yell,
Then it started to burn, and it started to smell.

Then I smelled the aroma of chili and beer!
It filled me with wonder and grace and good cheer.

That magical log and its magical smoke
Settled over my home like a miracle cloak.


Then I looked in the flames, and I saw all the faces
Of all my old friends, in all the old places.

I smiled a big smile, and was all filled with joy --
Like stealing my first Christmas tree as a boy.

That cop saved my Christmas, and gave me new hope,
When I thought I had come to the end of my rope.

Then, I knew -- tho' it all seemed a little bit sick --
That the man in the raincoat was really Saint Nick!

Since then, I've gone straight, and I've stayed out of jail,
Got a wife and a kid, and I work without fail.

And many's the Christmas I've spent in our home,
Thinking back to that night with that magical gnome.

And I always give thanks for my Christmas Eve spree
With Lieutenant Columbo, L.A.P.D.

Merry Christmas, Ted! Thanks for sharing.

Merry Christmas to you too, I haven't been around a lot on this forum, so had no idea Falk himself had read your poems, that's special!

Also didn't know you had this tradition, interesting.

Each year I look forward to reading this again. Merry Christmas to you and all of yours Ted.