OK, you tell me your dream next episode -- guest star and setting. Keep it realistic: The guest has to be someone who'd actually be in a Columbo. That could be a popular TV star, and old-time movie star, a movie star on the decline, or someone who would do an episode out of their friendship with Peter Falk.

My next guest would be either John Lithgow (cable news anchor), Gillian Anderson (Hillary-style congresswoman), or James Earl Jones (police beat reporter).

You next.

Oh wow Martin!! Good one...I'll give it a shot.

The murderer would have to be Ben Gazzara (2 time director of Columbo...and obviously good friend of Peter)
Now this would be a dream made in heaven for me, but here goes...
Benny portrays a strip club owner (as he did in John Cassavetes wonderful film, The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie) and he is in love with his sleazy club and all the girls that work there and his "celebrity" at being the host and owner of the club. He is being pressured by the mob to sell-out, or give them payments to satisfy their need to have the whole strip of places in the neighborhood to themselves. Benny aint buying it!! He decides to knock off the head man, the godfather, the top dog, the head cheese!! He plans an elaborate dinner between himself and the big guy, Don Giovanni, at his home. A little calamari to start, a bountiful salad, next a bit of penne with vodka sauce, and then some eggplant parmigiana, all served with crusty Italian bread and lots of vino. (can you tell I am very hungry right now?? ) Anyway...he saves his best for last...some wonderful canolies..(they are an Italian Pastry tube shell stuffed with cream)...well..unbeknowst to Don Giovanni, is the fact that Benny has added a secret ingredient. Ricin...a virtually undetectable poison made from castor beans. So Giovanni enjoys the canolie and dies straight away...
Benny tosses the body in the ocean, with some cement boots attached for good measure, and he is free to run his strip club the way he wishes.
Columbo will enter when the body somehow surfaces from the deep...but in Columbo's hot pursuit of Benny the Murderer, he finds a friend in him...he sees he is a man who had a dream...albeit, just to own a strip club and be the "celebrity emcee" there..but it was a dream...and Columbo is a bit broken up when he solves the case and has to bring Benny in.....but before he does, they share some vino and some canolies together......

Kelsey Grammer as a snooty department store magnate "Guy Bennefield III". Bennefield's, London, Paris, Rome, New York, Los Angeles. The sort of snob who considers himself American royalty. And keeps thinking he's gotten rid of the sloppy Columbo no matter how many times he keeps popping up. A villain who creates an alibi almost as an afterthought, after all, who would accuse a Bennerfield of base murder? It just isn't done.

Joe

Grammer may be the last TV actor capable of playing a classic Columbo bluenose, and Guy Bennefield III is the most brilliant villain name I've heard since Erle Stanley Gardner stopped writing.

Yoicks -- that's flipping marvelous, and it has everything. Exotic dancers, mobsters, fried squid, and castor beans! And the meal you outlined is making my mouth water (except for the ricin, of course). Bravo!

OH!! I didn't give you the last clue!?!?....ok..Well......It seems Mr. StripClub owner was a really good dresser...he loved his tuxedos and he loved to put a flower in his lapel when he emceed the strip acts. Well...he inadvertantly dropped his lapel flower under his dining room table when he was preparing the cement shoes for Giovanni. But luckily he came back after the police discovered the body...and found the little boutineer and pinned it on his lapel. He and Columbo talked about classic music for a bit, the Strauss Waltzes and the Blue Danube.....and then Paul Rifken came in and started saying something about...oh no...oh NO!!...wrong episode!!!!

But the thing is....Columbo gets a warrant for the flower and he takes it into police custody...and when forensics checks it over.......it is covered in Ricin...Benny's Poison Of Choice......

Well..I tried!!

I think Bing Crosby would have made a fantastic Columbo murderer, playing himself (a laid-back crooner). I would have loved to see Richard Dawson as a gameshow host killer, too. My all-time favorite "old school" pick would go to Christopher Lee - just look at all the great villains he's played. The guy just oozes class and creepiness.

As for nowadays, I'd like to see Tim Curry (as a Simon Cowell-esc judge on an "American Idol"-type show), Leonard Nimoy (returning for a second guest spot as an Isaac Asimov kind of sci-fi fellow) or James Woods (as a professional gambler). I guess Woods might not do the show, but heck, where's his career been lately? Same goes for Curry.

Ever see "Doctor Cook's Garden"?

Joe

Wow -- great old TV movie. You know it was written by Ira Levin (Stepford Wives, Rosemary's Baby, Boys from Brazil). And if you want to play a modified Kevin Bacon game, Crosby was Levinson and Link's first choice for Columbo.

With Wood on the new Hollywood blacklist right now, he might just consider it. Betcha Curry would snap it up in a second, and be terrific.

Hey...thanks Martin.....(this is from that post waaaay above in this thread)....
So how bad was my plot??? Really bad, right?? Kinda Dumb, yup?........come on tell me it stunk.......although I did like how you said it was "flipping marvelous"......Thanks!

So I figure I should start cooking now and see you later. We will have a pleasant dinner together.....if my husband manages to stay awake!!!!

I loved it -- I'm a Food Network addict, so the victim's last meal (all my Italian favorites) had my mouth watering. And I'm getting to that age where I love to see the great old stars showing they can still kick some young punk butt. The show House (best medical show since St. Elsewhere) has started featuring patient cameos by classic old-timers like Peter Graves ("Mr. Phelps, your mission, should you decide...") and Shirley Knight.

I meant it -- I think you have a great premise, both mysterywise and from the relationship standpoint. I loved Joe's idea above, too. In fact, I'm inviting you both to try your hands at writing them up for my Columbo fanfic site. I see yours (ideal title given the background and means of poisoning: Pasties and Pastries) being written first person, very film noir, from Gazzara's POV. Try it -- it's all for fun.

oh!!!....I'll hold the Ricin!!!!.....

I loved Joe's idea too. And that name is great...Guy Bennefield III...terrific!

Now as far as writing this up for your site...that is very flattering. You know I am familiar with your site and I have read and enjoyed many of the stories there.
As I mentioned to you once before...I am a writer...basically unpublished...but I still consider myself a writer....the only thing is, I am not really a writer of mysteries.......I write about emotions and things like that.
I loved your title Pasties and Pastries!! Perfect!
And the idea of making it a first-person story from Gazzara's POV is an excellent idea. I would have a bit of a problem though, because I stole a lot of that from John Cassavetes' terrific A Killing of a Chinese Bookie...which was a film noir type film. I wouldn't want to be accused of plagiarism!!!
Heck...I'll mull it over and see if I have a story in me....who knows......but thanks for the compliment anyway.