I'm sure most of you have noticed that one of Columbo's favorite ploys is to ask his prime suspect their theory about how the crime happened and then constanly shoots holes in the suspects theories.
The shop where I work burned to the ground this past Saturday. It was determined to be arson. Unfortunately for me I have one of only two keys that open one of several locks on the gate to the compund where the shop is. That particular lock was found to be open. The lock belongs to the company that picks up our garbage. Because I have a key to that lock the county police have decided I am suspect number one. I spent the better part of today at police headquarters under going some extremely intense questioning and a polygraph test. During the questioning the detective repeatedly asked me why that particular lock was unlocked. I attempted to come up with a couple reasons for that lock being left open, but the detective didn't buy either reason, and I wasn't convinced either of them were good reasons myself, but I have no idea why the lock was open. When the detective kept repeating that one particular question I started thinking about Columbo and how he uses that tactic and constantly shoots down the suspects answers. After the fifth time the detective asked me the question I asked him if he was a Columbo fan because Columbo uses the same tactic. I guess this detective was insulted to be compared to a TV cop because he was not the least bit amused when I told him that was one of Columbo's favorite tactics.
Also, the fire started at two AM when I was home in bed. The detective told me I had no alibi (I live alone). I remembered another Columbo episode (Suitable for Framing)where he told the suspect that most people can't really recall exactly where they were at any specific time but Ross Martin had set up an alibi where it was definitely determined exactly when and where he was when the crime occured. Columbo found that to be suspicous. So I asked the detective how many people who live alone and are in bed at two AM can come up with a credible alibi. He asked me why I asked that question. I mentioned Columbo. He got so mad I thought he was going to pull out a rubber hose. He told me I shouldn't watch so much TV. I told him if he watched more Columbo he might be a better detective.
But if your case were really like Columbo you wouldn't have been to police headquarters at all. The detective would just have appeared in your house repeatedly and at random
And he would have maneuvered me into telling him "keep me informed, will you?" or "let me know if there is anything I can do to help."
I found out I passed the polygraph test as I knew I would as I wasn't involved. I also pulled out another Columbo moment, albeit in reverse. Can't recall the name of the episode at the moment (the phonograph, the firecracker) where Columbo tricks the suspect into revealing how the crime was done to prove his intelligence. My ego ran away with me as I pointed out to the detective that I would not have been dumb enough to have left open the one lock that only I (and two others) had a key to, I would have cut the lock off of the gate just like the eight times we have been robbed in the last five years. I also pointed out that the fire would have started in the barrel of oily rags in the machine shop (which were intact) as that is a very common point of origin in shop fires (for anyone unaware, a pile of oily rags can spontaneously combust very easily, they should be kept in a safety can designed just for that purpose). I also pointed out that I would not have to break in to steal the bosses tools. I could have simply taken one tool everyday, the boss would have thought they got lost and bought replacements and he would never have realized he was being robbed. The detective commented that have an incredibly devious mind. I told him that we've been robbed enough times that I have seen the methods first hand.
If any of you watch NYPD Blue or Law and Order, the interrogation was very similar to what those shows depict. The interrogator kept telling me that "if you help us now, we can help you with the DA, other wise you're going away for forty years." and "I have enough evedince to go to the DA right now and get you indicted." Guess what, if they have enough evidence they go right to the DA and don't offer you anything. They also played "good cop-bad cop" with one guy playing both roles. We spent about an hour BS,ing about the race cars I worked on, comparing them to his time on an aircraft carrier. Then we spent an hour calmly discussing details of the case, me whereabouts, etc. Then he took the gloves off and did an Andy Spiowicz on me. He never touched me or physically threatend me, but he did trying scaring the you-know-what out of me. I realize he was just doing his job, and IF the guy sitting in my chair was guilty I would like to see the detective do whatever he needed to get a conviction. But when you are innocent and have to go through that it is very scary.
I got five minutes of sleep the first night, two hours last night. Now that I think they are backing off of me, I might get a little more sleep tonight. Trying to dig out all our equipment from that burned building is physically demanding work.
T.F.L, you are a champion. I love the idea of some Columbo fan getting under the fingernails of real cops, showing them up and not being intimidated by their threats. Keeping your cool and your sense of humour reminds me of a Moonlighting episode where David Addison is called in for questioning. They shine this bright light directly on his face and he puts his ray ban sunglasses on.