hello my name is kelly.i have an 8month old daughter who is a little bunddle of happyness.i on the other hand feel like a pile of crap due to having pnd.i an finding it very hard to cope with anything that involes my child house work.well to be honest everything.i feel alienated from my child im finding it hard to bond with her.i feel that i should just leave and let her be brought up by her father.all i ever wanted was to be a mum.i cant do it.its so hard.does anyone feel the same? have any advice?help me?i just want to feel better! please .

I'm so sorry u feel d way u do. But I will tell u that u will get through this. U need to speak to ur nurse or ur gp. I always thought I was someone who would never suffer from depression but by god was I wrong. It didn't hit me in one go but it slowly crept in and like u I lost interest in everything. I felt numb,,,, like I was detached from everyone. I dreaded going to bed coz I knew that wen I woke up I wud have to face another day. Like u I felt that everyone wud be better off without me, not that I was suicidal but that my existance didn't matter. I often wanted to get in the car and just go.... Go where I don't know but I just had to get out. I couldn't sit and watch a tv show as I had no interest, couldn't follow simple storylines on d soaps. I seemed to be exhausted although I never felt I achieved a good days housework... Couldn't complete or follow through with tasks, everything was a chore. All these things crept in and in the end up I couldn't concentrate and ended up crying one night n couldn't stop. Went to gp. Was prescribed meds and took time to help but also accessed this site a lot... Mostly to read and somehow it was helpful to know that I wasn't the only one....... U will get there. Ask for help. Plz.

God people do feel the same as me. I was beginning to think that i was the only one.
I am getting help but its a very very slow process that seems to have plateaued but hopefully with a new nurse and my psyciatrist and also a change in meds hopefully i can get out the dark place that i am in at the moment.
If you have any tips or can offer any advice on how I can help myself please feel free.
Thankyou for answering.
Kelly.x.x.x.x

Hi Hun.... There is definately more than u n me that either feeling like that or have felt like it.... It's not something il forget in a hurry but right now I know exactly how u feel. I went on meds last feb after trying to convince myself from the previous November that there was nothing wrong. It took d meds a long time to kick in right,,,, I had to have the dose increaded 3 times. Started off on effexor but it didn't help me at all it didn't suit. Too many side effects. Then went onto sertraline 50mgs. After 8 wkd dose was increased then after another 4 wkd increases again. I also was referred to a counsellor who helped me n for a few months attended a PBS support group on the first tues of d month. It helped to see that other people felt the same. To the outside world I looked the same, to an extent I was the same as I definately tried my best to hide it. But then I found myself either go go go wen I couldn't stay at d house or days on end wen I couldn't face leaving the house. I could never get myself or d kids organised. A mammoth task to get out the door! The forum helped. It was somewer I could read, post messages and be honest.... With myself most of all. U need to ask ur nurse or go about support groups? Mayb a mother toddler group that u could aim to attend once a wk? I know that wen I was very low I avoided a lot of social situations. In normally a chatty person who loves meeting people but wen I was low I couldn't handle chit chat or d usual how's the baby? What age? Try find someone u can be honest with... I always felt my partner hadn't a clue... He really didn't. But then I didn't really know wat was going on myself. I was lost. U feel like that now. But plz give it time. Time is a tough one wen all u want is for today to become tonight so that u can rest but all too soon tomoro comes and u feel more tired than u did before u went to bed.... Will u av a wee look at d EUMOM site too? It has a forum too n I haven't been on in ages but tonight I logged on n found u.... U will get through this

I feel if i give it much more time ill go mad. I dont know how im gonna get over this. Its been 8mths already.
I feel like a lost, wingeing, dark, mess. I dont know why I cant get over this demon PND and just get on with my life.
How can I move forward when there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I dont like what I see in the mirror.

U sound desperate. U need help and now. Wat meds r u on? Can u get to ur dr soon and tell him or her how desperate u r feeling. I started getting worse in November n went onto meds in feb and slowly came down in dose then off them a year later. Off meds now since feb this year. Wer r u? Have u got a partner or husband? Have they read this website? In the end I printed off the signs n symptoms n advice for family n friends info n gave it to my man. Not sure if he totally understood it but at least he knew that d way I was acting and how I was feeling was d illness. I wish I could help u. U sound so much like me. X

Hi Kelly, I have just read your message and felt I had to reply.My daughter has now turned 6 years, but I remember those early months/years as if it were yesterday.I felt just like you.I felt like the worst mum in the world, I couldnt do anything right and I felt my daughter would be better off with just my husband.I so wanted to be a mum and I couldnt believe how lousy I turned out to be at it. At around 9mths, I completely fell apart - I still remember the day SO well. My husband worked away so it was just me and my daughter alone in the house that day and she was crying....I was in my bedroom on the floor, crying my eyes out too as I just felt I couldnt help her and I was scared of her.At that stage I asked for help from my health visitor - to cut a very long story short as there is too much to write about from my own personal story, I finally got the help I needed - but it was 2 years later and my post natal depression turned into clinical depression as I tried to deal with it myself.All I want to say to you is please ask for the help you need and the support you need, so that you dont miss another day of enjoying this time with your little girl - like I did. I didnt want to take medication, but in the end I had to and it helped, along with some therapy - being able to tell someone how crap a mum I felt, my thoughts and feelings at this time, without that fear of being judged was such a great help to me . Big hug to you, I know its hard and I totally understand. It can and will get better X Have you asked for any help ? x

Hi again Kelly, just had to add a little extra as I noticed you asked for any tips etc on how you can help yourself to feel better. I just wanted to say that before I started my medication, I was unable to leave my house with my daughter, would never even bother to open my curtains during the day unless someone stopped by the house and reminded me that they were still closed. Once I started on my anti depressants I felt able to get out of the house, but even at that stage I didnt wish to mix with people. I didnt wish to join the mother and baby groups that people kept telling me to join. For me, all I did was get myself and my little girl out to a coffee shop in town, one where I felt comfortable, or I took her to the local park when it wasnt too busy. These were small steps, but they made me feel good and later I felt ready to join a small baby gym class. Do what you feel comfortable with and never feel pressured by what others think you ought to be doing with your daughter.All your daughter needs is a happy mummy, so find any small thing to do with her, when you feel able xXx

I have decided to start taking my daughter swimming with my mum once a week from monday and on thursday we are going to a pop in and play group for the 1st time. my sister is coming with me to that.
I feel safer with someone I know with me.They are very small steps but they might help me to get somewhere with my daughter.
I ended up in at a&e 2nite as i had a bit of a breakdown over spending time with the bubs and all the pressure on me. But, They were really helpful and they are going to liase with my psyciatric nurse who im seeing 2morrow to get me some more help.
Feeeling quite positive now, I hope it lasts ( it probably won,t)xxxxxx

hi kelly,
sorry it took a trip to a & e tonight but u have access to your nurse tomorrow and if you are honest and open with your nurse she will get you help to the best of her ability. please take your time and dont put too much pressure on yourself to achieve too much straight away but its very positive that you plans made and more importantly that your mum and sister are supporting you. im a nurse and having been down the rough road of pnd i now meet many people at work who have issues with pnd and depression. its so common and its very scary when the pnd takes over and becomes physical symptoms and panic..... did you ever try 7 / 11 breathing???????? its when you sit quietly, sit up straight with your hands on your lap... slowly and steadily take a breath in through your nose to the count of 7 then hold for a few seconds.... then slowly breathe back out to the count of 11. its difficult at first to make the breath last 7 seconds and even harder to breathe out to 11 but just concentrate on each breath... concentrate on your own breathing, slow it down. clear your head. even for a few peaceful moments. it takes time. when you find your hands sweaty and your heart racing and feel the overwhelming urge to 'get out or get away' take some slow deep breaths and re think it. you are here. you are here now. take all the help you can.

Things went well with the nurse today, we made plans refer me child and family services who will help me with my daughter eg, baby massage, PND groups etc the thing that makes me angry is that my health visitor could have done this a long time ago. Ive been suffering for months and I could of had had help alot earlier. Anyway Im still feeling positive my psyc appointment to review my meds has been reviewed to next week so things are looking good and moving foward.

I'm so glad that the appointment went well today. It sounds as if u are really positive now and accessing all d services u need. My public health nurse said she had suspicions tfat I "wasn't myself" in previous months but didn't bring it up.... I'm in Ireland n d health visits are only once per week for 4 wkd then at 3 months then 9 months. I was d one who told her when my daughter was 18 months old n at that stage I'd been on meds for 6 months! D lack of communication between d different services us terrible... That's why I advise people to seek out help. Pnd groups are good in d way that before u go there u know that wen u walk in d other women there are either going through it or have been. It's also great that u get out to d baby massage... I live in d hills in middle of nowhere practically wer no massage classes take place! It ll help u n baby bond. Have u given ur mum or sister any of d info for family n friends... U cud print it off n they cud read it n mayb understand a wee bit better?

we went to the pop in and play today, my daughter loved it she spent an hour playing and crawling around with the other babies and I got to chit chat with the other mums. It was fun we both enjoyed it.
My family are very aware of my PND they have all researched in the internet all the symptoms and what happens so the dont need to second guess me. I,m very close with my family they and my husband are all I have so we tend to stick very close together.They support me no matter what happens, this has been very hard for all of us but together we will fight till its all over and done with and i,m well again.

Dear ladies,
I too went through PND,it began with insomnia and evolved into being a complete and utter wreck hours away from killing myself. It was so strange because I thought I would never be one to go through this.
PLEASE know that there is always a way through. I honestly to god do not think that there is anything more helpful than meditation. Darkness in our lives is simply a call to awaken a little. To learn to BE and quiet that monkey mind.
The depths of depression feel so awful and the crazy thought swirling around and around are torture. What helped me the most was truly accepting my own pain. When we are feeling down we tend to resist the pain, hate what we're feeling. Though this is natural all it does is add layer upon layer to the sadness. If you can just become still for a moment, locate your suffering and pain and truly from the bottom of your heart recognize that it DOES exist and choose to ALLOW it to be there. The pain will lessen immensely.
I am well and truly out of my depression and on a very very low dose of antidepressants (the insomnia comes back when I try to stop completely). I adore my little boy and we're very bonded. Life is just magical.
You will find a way through. Just treat this illness as an awakener. Join a meditation class and learn to accept your feelings. We all have the right to be happy and enjoy our lives.
Much much love to you sisters xoxoxoxo
I know your pain and I know there is a way through