Katherine ,

Your post on the overcoming pnd site touched me to the core. I say this as it could have been me writing your post. I had my son a year ago and I experienced horrendous pnd.
My son is now one but 2 days after he was born , i felt i had made a terrible mistake having him. Everyone was cooing over him but I could not even bear to look at him. The anxiety i felt was horrendous - I felt tormented by my thoughts. I felt like Joe had ruined my life. I was totally overwhelmed by him. I could not bear to sleep as I knew that when I woke up in the morning , I would have a racing , pounding heartbeat and uncrollable fear. I spent the first six weeks of Joe's life in total turmoil. I had desperately wanted him. Falling pregnant was the most amazing feeling but as soon as he entered the world , I thought he had ruined everything. When we got home from hospital, two days after having him, I burst into a flood of tears. My mum and husband were totally in love with joe , but I only felt hate and anger. I loved the little life John and I had - we hads been together for 4 yrs and still fancied each other and had a great little life. I felt like Joe had taken it away. I kept saying I had made a terrible mistake and that I didn’t want him. This has been the biggest sympton of pnd that I had - the uncontrollable fear of the fact that I could not unbirth Joe-that I am a mum forever and the enormity of this feeling ate me up. I experienced the most horrific panic attacks , and felt like I was trapped as a mum , trapped in my life, trapped in the world.
I had a series of 'mini' meltdowns but they were not that mini - I remember throwing a cup across the room , screaming until I was hoarse that I could not cope with him , that I didn’t want him. I basically spent the first 6 weeks of joes life unable to get out of bed , in a sea of tears, having about 10 panic attacks a day. i felt unable to breathe , could not be in the same room as my son on my own and had an overwhelming fear of the future. the idea that i was now a mum , forever , beyonf terifying. i was crippled with fear beyond my control.
I seriously considered suicide and / or , getting Joe adopted. I just could not bear the feeling that he was here forever. It may seem like there is no way out. But there is.
The day I totally flipped ,I woke up unable to move from bed in absolute terror. A bit of background here - when joe was 2 weeks old , we left london where we live to stay with johns parents in nottingham. Johns paternity leave was over but I was an absolute broken mess and john couldn’t leave me on my own. I had been to see gp in london and had been prescribed anti d'ds but they had not kicked in yet. John thought the break away from home would help me. Thingas however, got much much worse. I spent my days sitting on the stairs, rocking back and forth in tears. I didn’t eat, refused to be on my own and constantly shouted at john that I hated joe. I had seen doctors in nottngham and they just kept sayng to nwait for the anti d's to kick in. The night before I totally flipped , John had taken me to an emergency doctor in the middle of the night as I had had a horrific panic attack. We saw a doctor who said he thought I would be able to get a place in a special mother and baby psychiatric unit. John and I went back home and I slept for a couiple of hours. I then woke up that morning feeling the lowest I had ever felt. My vision had blurred as I was so so so anxious and I cou;d not bear to look at joe. I could not get out of bed and just wanted to bang my head against a wall. I told john I wanted to get joe adopted and then said I wanted to throw myself under a bus. I then again had a massive panic attack , saying that joe had ruined my life , that I would never get used to him being here and that I could never be alone with him. I was sitting on johns parents bed crawling round , screaming. John phoned the hospital and demanded a psychiatrist see me.
When I saw the psychiatrist saw me , I poured out my feelings. I said my main gripe was that I thought joe had ruined the lovely little life I had with john. I didn’t want him here , I was so anxious that he was here forever. That day I went into the unitt to begin my recovery. I refused to sleep with my bedroom door closed when I went into the unit. I could not bear to be on my own with joe. A week later , I closed the door - and the nurses gave me a cuddle. It was a massive step for me to take. They also changed my anti d's. the original ones prescribed had not worked. But , the one they prescribed me was amazing . I felt the effects very quickly .
It's taken a year to get where I am now but I got here. I am now back at work , love my son , adore him , and can enjoy life. I still have intrusive thoughts sometimes - often about the fear of being a mum - but I read a wad load of books about how to deal with intrusive thoughts , and I now know to just ignore them . I got brooke shield

- and it was instrumental in my recovery. Please remeber that the very fact you have posted on a blog means you want to confront the illness and rid yourself of it. and you will. talk to your health visitor. talk to your doc - they wont think of you badly in any way. if you find the doc is unsympathetic , see another one. If they prescribe anti d's - don't be ashamed. I truly believe taking anti d's saved my life. I took sertraline but it didnt work for me ( tho i know a lot of people i have met with pnd and say sertraline was totally amazing for them ) so when I went into the unit, they changed me to amitriptrline. and within a couple of weeks, i felt the anxiety going. there are hundreds of anti d's on the market and there will be one to suit you. Please remember that recovery wont occur over night - it can take a while - but you will get there. Recovery isnt easy - I still have dark days - but I am well , and I can function , and I don't think joe was a mistake. Without knowing it , you will develop natural love for your child. The anti d's can help your thoughts to function propoerly again and you can start rerbuilding your life. I felt that no one in my family could understabnd what was wrong, so I had no one to talk to , without being judged. I got I contact with the association of post natal illness and they arranged for a volunteer who had got over pnd to phone me. We still talk reguarly now - I call if I have a shaky day - but the shaky days go.

You will get better. Please trrust me. Your styory rings so true to me - but please remember - it will get better. When I was in the unit , I used to think the nurses were crazy saying I would get better. I thought I would be the only person to never recover. But I did get better. Go to your doc , see your hv. See if they can arracnge for a community psychiatric nurse to see you. Ask about anti d's. there is so much help out there. It will get better katherine.

Lots of love xxx Eve