Alright, I have been wrestling through depression for years now. I am just having freaking problems right and left. Depression makes everything so much worse. I feel heavy, exhausted and sick all the time. No one gets me. I have the worst time not arguing with idiots on youtube. My family is always on my back for something or other, especially my brother in law and step father.

I have the biggest dreams and I am trying to accomplish those while beating the hell out of myself with self doubt. I find myself hating people, feeling almost violent towards them. I believe our lives are molded through our thoughts and I am trying to find the key to getting in "that place" where everything flows in a smooth fashion and I can't seem to.

I find myself searching endlessly with other psychics, astrology, numerology. I have spent so much time researching these things and learning about them, only to find that I am not certain I believe in them at all.

I find myself only feeling better (and only slightly) with people who are also miserable and negative.

My father just had open heart surgery and as someone who is depressed and has anxiety issues I am having problems getting to the hospital to see him.

My self esteem is shot. I am not like anyone else I know; no, I am not saying I am special, I am saying I don't feel I can really and truly relate to others. I have a new rabbit athat I love but will not stop peeing and pooping on my bed and me. He jumps up on my bed and wakes me up over and over again while I sleep. I know where I want to be and I am not there and I am unsure if I ever will. My dreams seem so big and I don't know anyone who has ever done something that big. I can't even imagine it. I have no self esteem.

I feel so freaking desperate sometimes it is not even funny. Sometimes I feel I can't even do it anymore. I feel like a donkey being teased with a carrot, carrying a heavy cart around in circles. I want that freaking carrot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-Alex

Stop fighting it!
and give yourself some of the loving attention that I've seen you give to others online. Nobody deserves it more than you do! You are special...we all are!
"you are special...just like everyone else!"
Shoot...I don't know what to say beyond..stop watching the carrot and look at the whole **** field of carrots waiting to be dug up (don't know where that came from..but oh well).

If you want comfort you came to the wrong place tonight....
I only read this because I was in a crappy mood (you did say to not read if you are in a good mood)...just filed for unemployment. I have no idea what I'm going to do...I have no savings because I've been working at my dream job for four years (so I've been just scrapping by)...but now the owner of said dream job is retiring and leaving me unemployed at the worst time in history to be looking for work in the US!

I don't expect comfort. I'm actually very glad to hear someone else vent. It sucks!!!!!

Sweetie, there is no such thing as 'that place' - you just have to work with what you have where you are and make the best of it. Besides, if we had constant inspiration we'd be burned-out shells! The guy who runs the Labyrinth Masquerade out in California Shawn Strider has a myspace (of course he does, I have to be one of the only people on earth who doesn't! ). Go read his blogs, especially the newest one. I just ran across them the other day and found many of them very seminal and uplifting. Huzzah for Lord Strider!

1) if you feel you need to curse someone out to vent, fire away, I rather you get angry at me for anything you want then for you to be angry at yourself.

The last thing anyone wants to hear in your position is I UNDERSTAND, THINGS WILL CHANGE, GROW OUT OF IT.

I don't know what your going through, never will, but what I can say, that you are not along, and the fact that you recongize (did I spell that right?) your true feelings, that in itself is a strenght
Your friend
Morn

Thank you Morn, I appreciate you saying that very much.

hehe, Tink-He's one of my friends. How strange you should bring him up. Why, we are making him famous.


-Good Thoughts, Alex

In person friends or online friends? Just curious.

Firstly, Buy a rabbit hutch. or close your bedroom door at night. a little common snese goes a long way you know.
2. with things like not wanting to go to the hospital etc, Force yourself to go. its a challenge, you'll feel better for having been brave enough to go and do it, where as if you stay at home, because you didnt want to go, but feel guilty and more miserable because you couldnt go coz of your depression, your giving in. letting the depression win.
also, if your not on meds, go on them. dont frown upon something that might help, just stay away from the addictive kinds.
I have been depressed a couple times in the past, and have been medicated for it. What gets me through them is knowing things will get better, not neccesserily that i will reach my goals, but that i'll feel better, happier, at some point. which i do, for very long periods. I ask myself, am i happy? and my answer is yes, even though i may not have achieved much more than that (career goal wise) that doesnt matter on this basic level of feeling normal. once you get there, then its time to reach for your dreams.

I am currently feeling very down in the dumps, even though i am about to embark on one of my life dreams (going round the world), but i recently had my heart broken, which is somewhat a downer on things, especially at this time. and when i'm on my own at night, i cry. but in the day, i force myself to keep going. find things to do to occupy me and take my mind of things. go see friends (coz at the moment, i'm fine when i'm with people, but am miserable on my own) and just focus on being productive and not wasting my time feeling sorry for myself. because that doesnt get me anywhere. the more you take your mind off how you feel, the less you think about how you feel, until you realise you feel fine.
This may sound very simplistic, but in effect, to dig yourself out of depression takes time, but more importantly, takes WILL. a will to get better and ACT on how to make things better. Acknoledging when your feeling defeatest, and thinking about why youfeel that, and how rational a thought it is, or whether its just your fear holding you back?
My friend who was very depressed went to a counciller who simply told him to force a smile. It helped him tremendously. not only does a smile set off happy chemicals in your brain (somehow), but it's more likely to make people smile back at you, which in turn should make you feel better. Last time i was depressed and had a particularly bad day, but had to go to work, i would try this exercise (which sounds rediculous, but does help somewhat) For 30 seconds, force yourself to smile, the biggest cheesiest grin possible, stretching all your muscles into that happy face. relax, and then repeat. it feels terribly fake, but it sets those happy chemicals rolling, and warms those muscles up. my sister told me about it, she's never had sympathy for me when i feel miserable. she'll let me be down for a couple of days, then pushes me to pick myself up again, annoying as that is at times, it does prevent you having a shoulder to encourage the wallowing.

sorry i've ranted on for rather a long time. maybe because its bed time, so i'm feeling quite angsty and upset right now. I tell you what, i got the crappiest christmas gifts this year. like, one crap gift after the other, which were mostly repeats of another gift from someone else, or from the same person last year. (one uncle has effectively given me the same faery book 3 years running. it was nice the first time, by the 3rd, you'd think he'd use some more imagination!)
and well yes, i guess i'm annoyed with myself somewhat over this break up, which doesnt help. but hey, tomorrow, i'll go over to friend's and tell her over coffe about my crap gifts, and we'll laugh about how terrible they were. and i'll feel better for venting, and better for laughing, and better for the coffee and a listening ear.

i hope you get through all right, and finally find something that works to lift you up. i wouldnt look for something in psyhics and horoscopes. make your own future instead. But then this is all just my wondering advice, which is much easier to give than to recieve and act on.
But please take my advice on the bunny hutch!!

TInk,
I meant I'm friends with him online, on myspace.

Pernickety Pixie,

He does have one, he's figured out how to get out. Besides, he was not kept in a cage when he was little so he HATES it in there.

I'm afraid that I have been on meds for quite some time, but my mood has never lifted. I also have tried the forced smile and it makes me feel worse. As I said, this has been going on for years. I've had anxiety problems since Kindergarten. The depression set in about eight years ago. So, it's not just a mood.

Honestly, I am kind of tired of fighting it. I'm not really looking for solutions anymore. At this point I think I'll just wait and hope it passes at some point. I needed to rant though. :D

Thanks for your advice.

-Good Thoughts, Alex

Eight years? Maybe it's time to try a different medication or therapy if you still feel awful. I know it's not fun playing with that stuff but the outcome is worth it.

alex.....
clearly you are a gifted and magically otherworldly person....obviously.
you also seem to be extremely empathic, which is not an easy way to be at this particular moment on this planet!
you sound just like me when i was younger. really, i relate to everything you are saying.
i am wondering how old you are now?
the thing that makes me feel extremely optimistic about you, is that your misery sees you striving for deeper levels of understanding, and being in the world. you are a seeker.
seek and ye shall find!
i remember weeping my eyes out endlessly when i was younger. i was so depressed i wanted to die. even when i was really really tiny i would say "i want to go home!!!!!""" when i was upset...because i remembered another home, not this mundane difficult dense and modernly twisted reality.
finally i was hospitalized at the end of my teenage bout by my father who was just so worried because i could not stop crying...
oh yes and rabbits, they were my constant companions!
tee hee...depressed dislocated faery women, how very alike we are.
well my life went on and on on many a depressing and hopeless turn...but all the while i kept seeking...like you...studying studying trying to make sense of it all.....
and one day....
it all began to turn towards, what...the manifestation of my wildest dreams? amazing!

my business : www.faerieworlds.com

My band: www.woodlandmusic.net

i have high hopes that you won't always feel so let down by this life.
perhaps even your reality will surpass your dreams!
just don't stop seeking.....
most importantly of all, learn to love yourself for how special you are.
you say you can't relate to many others? do you think you feel things more deeply than most? wouldn't it be cool if more people were like you? wouldn't you love someone so magical, sensitive and attuned? well lucky you, to be you.
please, for now, try and be your own best friend...all else will come in time...
sending so much love, hugs, empathy, and kindred support....
~kelly

for Alexandra!

Alex, let your spirits be lifted because there are kindred spirits here! Reach for the higher ground, remember that this life is only a temporary period of learning until we can pass permanently through the gates of Faerie someday. I love Merry and Pixie's advice. Just knowing there's so much more to this mundane world helps me get past those feelings of exestentionalism(dunno if I spelled that right). I've recently been through a breakup too, partially voluntary, partially not, but it was for the best. It still makes me squirm to see him with his ex girlfriend, but I try to get my mind off that and count my blessing on what I DO have to be thankful for, and it's a lot! Another thing is to have goals to reach for. Things you love to do or want to do. That will also replace the bad feelings with good so you can get out of that rut. Medication helps in moderation, but it can't be a crutch. You get to the point where you're sick of being sick and start to heal in other ways. Understanding yourself is important, most people don't care. Know you're valuable, loved and talented and that there is hope. We're not just created to live and die. Get active doing things you like to do and who knows, you might get famous.

When I suffered with depression before what helped me was to try and find some positivity in the life around me. Just focusing on the small things can be so inspiring - whether it be through nature, the lyrics in music, the people I observe etc. One lady in Dublin I find myself amused by, who I refer to as "the bird lady", as she is there on one street in Dublin at the same time everyday (in the middle of the City mind you) to feed the birds, and before she takes the bread out, the birds flock to her. There is positive in all things in life, but sometimes you have to search for it, and when it is found, it very often can be surprising we didn't see it before. It is about taking baby steps.

I would also encourage you seek some outside help too, whether a therapist, a doctor etc, as depression is not something that can be fought, in my opinion, without professional help.

Orna,

I've already been to my doctor. I'm not really the type who believes in the positive in everything, that's me. I don't believe in therapy for myself.

Crud, I can't put quotes to people now that I'm typing. hehe But thank you all for your very kind words, I'm thinking about them.

*Good thoughts, alex

hi alex, it seems like a lot of us have or have gone thru our bouts w/depression. i am trying to snap out of a bout myself. the holidays don't cheer me up cuz i am not close to my family, my daughter is 20, moved out & making her own life experiences, and my husband is not into celebrating. i've been going thru a hard time with my roommate, i've told her she needs to find a place after the new year, but i have a feeling she won't until i kick her out which i was so hoping not to have to do. i have 2 jobs and am always in debt. recently i felt ganged up on by my husband's friends and he wasn't standing up for me and i feel he still isn't. his 16 yr. old employee is able to manipulate him and can do no wrong but if i say anything about it to him, then i am the one "making s**t up". she knows she how to manipulate people, i've even seen her play other people by telling half truths. there have been 2 instances lately where she has said untruths about me and when i tried to talk calmly w/him about it, he still would believe she would ever say anything about me. so i did an immature thing and took off for the night to my see my cousin/best friend. when i came back he was a lot nicer but i still feel he his is not there for me and me taking off on a whim just gave her more ammunition to work with. and that breaks my heart cuz i feel she won another battle. i feel my husband still loves me but i still don't know how i should handle this situation without pushing him further away. i just feel sooooo alone. my thing is that i try to blot out my problems with alcohol but i know that only makes the problems worse. i have health issues too but cannot discipline myself to taking my supplements that the doctor prescribed. i feel okay at times but mostly i feel down about myself.

i know i didn't offer any advice but know that you're not alone in your feelings. i better be quiet now before i start bawling some more.

renee'

renne',

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. Not that I'm happy you're going through this. I know what you mean, people always ask why I don't just "do this or that" because "this or that" would make it better; but it's hard to focus. I too found that I can't take medicine every day and then I feel embarassed because it's such a simple thing. I can't seem to get up and clean and I can't explain exactly why. As you can imagine, me not doing my share of the cleaning upsets my roomates and it's caused a real issue.

It's like going up and down, if you get a bit of happiness or enthusiasm you think "oh, maybe it's finally going away and I'll be okay again." Then you fall again. It is the hope, hope dashed, hope, hope dashed cycle that makes it even worse. I find myself saying regularly "I can't do anymore of this. It's so exhausting." I'm sick of crying. I can't help but wish that I was someone else; that I had another life. That I was in another time or another world.

You know I started watching this show about ghosts the other night and someone on there was talking about how the belief is that in Dover, England there is a spiritual force that looks after Dover and protects it. I thought "I wish there was something like that looking out for me, just me." I started thinking about how hard things felt and crying my eyes out. I find myself crying a lot and feeling like I'm just consumed by intolerable darkness and dispair. As JK Rowling put it "like all the color had been drained out of life and you'll never be happy again."

Gawd Alex I'm not really sure what to say, but you need a hug. ~hugs~ You really sound extremely empathic and sensitive. I wish I could help, but it's hard for me to get my family to understand me...I'm like a sponge so I kinda get how you feel. Like it like a teasing thought or whisper and you know it. You know there's something there that's so close, but it's soooo freaking intangible!! Hang in there Alex you'll find what your looking for even if it doesn't ever seem like it.
Just don't ever forget about it or that feeling!

Peace

Favorite Froud Book? Faeries

my key word today is Hope. alex, thanks for your kind words. i know it sounds kinda cheesy but i really do believe in hope that things will get better for us all. big bear hugs to ya

renee'

Hope you feel better soon hun it took two years for my depression to improve enough for me to return to work. I had the added complication of having a eating disorder. Although I had pschiatric help, pills and all manner of mumbo jumbo given me it was the love and support of friends and relatives that got me through it. Hugs for you and your ickle fwuffy bunny x