I have just had the most obscenely hectic week, and I positively NEED to tell someone who is dettached from the situation about it. I feel so bad right now.
So, I started dating Chris almost 3 years ago. He asked me out the same day as his best friend Nick (you can imagine the fun). But I ended up choosing Chris, and we all stayed friends. As of lately, I began to realize that I could not spend my entire life with Chris and that I wanted to get out of the relationship. Then, to make things even more complicated, Nick- who is currently engaged- and I discovered that we are actually much more than friends and always have been.
I meant to wait a while before breaking it off with Chris, but I heard his voice today and I couldn't pretend anymore.I feel like I've caused him so much pain- and before Christmas! I was as gentle as I could possibly be, but I feel hideous inside. I guess I'll never know if I made the right choice. There's relief, but my heart is bleeding.
Anyway, that's enough angst for today. Thank god for the internet!

Laeah, don't worry, I went through the exact same thing just this year, and with a guy named Chris also! Is that cursed name or what??? The funny thing is, I couldn't stand to be rejected by him at first, and did everything I could to try to please him and get him to want me instead of another woman. Thing is, I realized that he wasn't right for me and there were more problems than plesures and I had to turn him down by the time he DID want me. He ran back to his ex girlfriend anyway, and it hurts me to think he wanted her all along, even when they were broken up for a few months. I think he was just willing to SETTLE for me until or unless she changed her mind, or he got a better woman that exited him more and made him feel more emotionally(sigh). But I also know I hurt him too and feel terrible about it. I still think about him even though we have no more contact. And he and that other woman are getting married as soon as she's off probation. It makes me sick to see their little love notes to each other on Mocospace every day. I wonder if he would have sent me those things if she wasn't in his life. I doubt it. I was never good enough for him. But then again, he wasn't right for me either.

Laeah
Heh better before christmas than after...then it would be New Years, then Valentine's Day ...and then it's March before a guilt-free time to break up happens!!
I remember breaking it off with my BF of five years. It was one of the hardest things I've done and I still wonder if it was the right thing to do over four years afterward. We are still good friends and we know we can count on each other, but it took awhile to get there again. I still feel like I killed a little part of him when I told him it was over...I'm telling you this to let you know that time does help...it doesn't heal everything but it makes many things more bearable.
I'm sure he will appreciate your honesty and not faking it (eventually). Just remember to honor all of your feelings.

be well

Thank you,Laiste. It's good to hear you were able to stay friends. That's what I really want, more than anything. What really hurt the most was a few hours after breaking up, when I was with Nick eating at a restauraunt and Chris called. He was crying and he said some things about how he'd always envisioned a life together (he even mentioned how he still had my christmas presents). It makes me feel like I'd been punched in the stomache. I told him I had to think a while and now I can't stop thinking about just calling him back and trying to make the pain stop, but I do't know if that would be the right thing to do.

My dear,

I'd really love to give you comfort, but I have been on the other side of that and it nearly pushed me to suicide. Again, I am going to have to be brutally honest and I am so sorry if it makes you feel worse. If Nick is engaged, that's simply not an option. I've been in the situation where I felt an incredible pull to someone who was taken; but they were taken. That is that. In the end, it is your choice, but I would strongly advise against it.

-Good THoughts, Alex

Alex- I understand that,but Nick is breaking off his engagement. Not because of me, there are too many complications with that relationship. They're both in the army and it's making it completely impossible for them to remain in touch- besides that he is having serious doubts about that person.

I think it's time for everyone involved to take a breather - don't rush into anything right now!

Laeah, looks like an opening to me! Especially if they're both in the army and he's having doubts about her. Still, I wouldn't rush into anything until you see how things go for the next few months. People can change their minds in a heartbeat...believe me, I know! Not saying that it will, but just to be on the safe side, be a fence rider for the moment until you know the coast is clear.

Good advice, both Tink and Kelli. Phew,I kind of forgot about Christmas, I got so wrapped up in all these shananigans(sp?). Anyway, things seem to be going quite smoothly other than my dad. He likes Nick, but he seems to think I have suddenly gone insane. In reality, it happened very slowly over about 5 years, but to an outsider's view the change between boyfriends would appear kind of drastic. I'm going to have some smoothing over to do today. Oh, and happy Christmas Eve, everyone!

Oh god,I'm so relieved! I know you people all have far better things to do on christmas eve than listen to my incoherent spewing, but I finally got to talk to Chris on the phone again, and he is getting over it. He even condones my relationship with Nick. I feel like a huge weight's been lifted from my shoulders now I know he's doing okay. Going to his house tommorow to say merry Christmas. Man, his mom's going to give me SUCH a hairy eyeball.

Well I'm glad things are apparently working out...
take it slowly and listen to your intuition...don't do things to make it easier for him since in my experience that only makes it harder to really separate...old habits are hard to break. You have to be true to yourself and do what is healthiest for you. Good for you in breaking it off if your heart wasn't there any more!
I know when I broke up with the above mentioned BF I lost some friends that didn't understand why I did what I did...that hurt a little but I now know which of my friends are true (and I'm thankful for each one of them)!
Merry Christmas! I hope you get everything you desire!

That's a relief - keep up the good work!

I dont know if you want to hear my advice, but I am going to give my two cents anyways, and beleive me it comes from the bottom of my heart. I just recently broke off my engadgement with someone who was in the military. I strongly urge you to take time for yourself while you can, because you will be at the beacon off his job from here on out. And it is not his fault, its the nature of the job. Dont rush it hun,take this opporitunity to have some serious "you" time. I think we are all to buisy rushing, and I know its hard to fight the heart, but dont forget about yourself! You are the most important person.

Thanks Abstractfaerie, I can understand how the job can make things very hard. It shouldn't be too much of an issue until he deploys next October,though. He's only a private 1st class, not even full-time, and he's more than halfway through his contract which he doesn't intend to renew. It will be hard when he's sent to Afghanistan, knowing what could happen. But he's not afraid, so I really have no right to be.

Its not really the "going" part that is really an issue, its the "comming bacK" part. At least from my experience, he was a completely different person when he returned. Seeing what they see changes everything. Every circumstance is different and if someone had told me that he was going to change I wouldnt have beleived them. But I saw it first hand. But as long as your guy is willing to seek help or counceling after than you have no worries, mine wasnt.

I'm sorry for your guy Abstract,that's hard.
I'm going to secretly keep hoping- even if our relationship romantically ends before then- that they continue to push off his deployment like they've been doing for a few years now. His father was also military, and I guess he got pretty messed up from what he saw on duty. The thing is, Nick WANTS to deploy. He wants to be wherever the most danger is, because he really considers it his job to be there. More than anything, I guess I find that very admirable. Lol, I hope he never browses my favorites when he's fixing my computer! I'd be rather embarrassed if he read that