Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

That is poor, very poor

keep them coming

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many fucking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Jimmy was walking through the red light area when he got the urge to go and visit a lady of pleasure. He didn't know whether he had enough cash with him so asked another possible punter if he knew the prices .

The punter replied that it was GBP 50 but if Jimmy went up the side alley to house number 3, the price was GBP 25 plus a free drink.

So Jimmy walks up the alley, knocks on the door at number three, and a beautiful blond opened the door. Jimmy asked if he was at the right address, GBP 25 plus a free drink, which the blond confirmed.

So Jimmy went inside when the blond said that she first wanted to tell Jimmy something. She tells Jimmy that she has no clitorus.

After a few seconds, Jimmy replies " That's all right, a Baileys would be all right instead."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?"

"I am."

"The tulips are blooming well today."

Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.

"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."

Man with no arms.desperate for sex,visits brothel rings the bell.Pro opens door.what you want?man says what do you think?Pro says but you no arms.Man says i wrang the fuckin bell did,nt I .

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"