A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Bob

More please.

how did the polack almost kill himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton walk into an elevator together.
Rush looks over at Hillary, likes what he sees and gives her a wink.
Hillary looks back at Rush and winks back at him. Rush, sensing the
moment takes off his tie and jacket. Hillary, starting to feel warm in the
elevator removes her blouse. Rush then removes his pants and tosses them
aside. Hillary, breathing heavily, removes her skirt and high heels.and
She beckons Rush to come closer and sensuously whispers in his ear,
"Oh, Rush!! Make me feel like a woman!"

Rush then reaches down, picks up his clothes, balls them up and throws them
at her and says "FOLD THEM!"

What does John Prescott and MFI have in common?

A few misplaced screws and the whole cabinet collapses

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done. Then he says to the black guy "What do you want?" And the black guy says "I want all my brothers and sisters to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa. So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

I took my wife out last night....One punch!!

hey Pud, u can come and do my wife ! , what an eejit she is !!

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It Keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The sardar says, "I'll take it!". The next day, he walks into work With his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

A Sout African loses a leg in a gold mine accident "im fucked now" he said " who would want a one legged gold digger?"
"Me" said Paul McCartney !!!

Paul McCartney bought his wife a plane for her birthday. And a bottle of imac for the other leg.

Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher
has
just
came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back,
with his
rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that
yer
Ayrshire
bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

Woman walks into Butchers and says "have you got a sheeps head?"
Butcher says" No, it's just the way i comb my hair"

Derek played football with his mates every Sunday afternoon in the local park. His right knee had been giving him trouble for some time, but recently the pain had been even worse than usual so he decided to see the doctor.

When he arrived at the surgery, the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but first he would have to give a urine sample. Derek said that it seemed crazy to give a urine sample to help solve his knee problem. However the nurse insisted, so eventually Derek complied. A quarter of an hour later he was ushered in to see the doctor.

"So, that knee is giving you trouble again, eh?" said the doctor almost immediately. "The nurse must have told you then," said Derek, wondering how the doctor knew.

"No. It was in your urine analysis," the doctor replied. "We've got a new urology machine which can diagnose every physical condition with complete accuracy."
Derek didn't believe a word of it, but nevertheless he agreed to provide another urine sample on a check-up visit. A few days later, Derek was sitting at the

kitchen table with his wife and teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when he decided to have a little fun with the doctor. He peed into the sample bottle, as did his wife and daughter.

Then he had the idea of giving even more 'spice' to the proceedings. He added a few drops of motor oil to the bottle and finally had a wank and put a few drops of semen in with it too. He returned to the doctor's surgery, shook the bottle and handed it to the nurse.

This time the urine analysis took half an hour. Finally Derek was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said,

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V .D., your car's about to break down and if you don't stop wanking, that knee's going to get even worse."

Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasimodo were chatting in a pub.
''I must be the smallest person in the world'' said Tom
''I must be the most beautiful woman in the world'' said Cinders
''and I must be the ugliest person in the whole universe'' said Quasi ''but how can we find out for definite?''
The barman over hearing the conversation said ''Why dont you all go down to the Guiness Book of Records office and ask them, they will know for sure''
So off they went to find out............

Several hours later they returned to the bar and were greeted by the barman who asked ''Well did you find out??''

''Yes'' said Tom ''and Im defo the smallest person EVER''

''Yes'' said Cinderella ''Im defo the most gorgeous person EVER born''

''and what about you Quasimodo??? your looking glum. what did they say to you???''



''who the fuck is J Derrick Brown''

better and better

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

Brilliant Tony

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."


Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."


To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

>An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to

>his sister,

"I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says "Go talk to your mother".

>So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

>"Mum?"

>"Yes son?"

>"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

>The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

>Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

>"Dad?"

>"Yes son?"

>"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

>The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

>About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned

>something today?"

>The son says, "Yes dad I have."

>"Good son, what is it?"

>The son replies, "I've only been an Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b*****ds"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "you're on my list, but I
have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am
going to have to let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such
was his fate in Hell.

No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, And I
don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with! a
sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,over
and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in
a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

derek and betty have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes derek farts and says,"1 nil." Betty rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" Derek replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later Betty lets one go and says, "equaliser." After about five minutes Derek farts again and says, "2 one."

Not to be out done Betty rips another one and says, "2 all." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"long shot, 3 two."

Now the pressure's on and Derek refuses to get beat by betty so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.

Betty looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

Derek replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a shit anyway so he enters the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"

"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.

"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a penny into the toilet, replies the Jew."

The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a five pence into the toilet.

"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.

And the Scotsman sez, "Och, am no gonna stick my hand in there for a penny!"