A major Cat 3 Hurricane (Jada ) hit in the early hours of Friday -
Epicentre: Greenock - Scotland

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "Whit DA-F*CK wiz at"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic Burnt Out Cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros were due to arrive.

Clyde FM Radio Station reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Greenock apart from the local punch up's at closing time or early morning drug raids!

One resident - Tracy-Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying "What Da-F*ck was that - and why is uncle Jim in your bed ?".

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Henrick-Gerrard slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, and mustav smoked 60 Lambert an Butlers"

Apparently though, looting, muggings, spraying graffiti and car crime were all able to carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Pound Stretchers Kola+ Chips and gravy to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Argos plus a large range of items from Poundstore

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

* FILA or Burberry baseball caps

* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

* Shell suits (female)

* White sport socks

*Any Garments by Donnay

* Any other items usually sold in Matalan

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks and slush puppys for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl alive in the rubble who turned out to be smothered in blood

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked -

"The port" said the girl, " But what the F*ck huz at gotta dae wiv you?"

Hurricane or Earthquake? Make your mind up!!

Does it matter???

Lets call it a Hurriquake or an Earthcane then