http://football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/...1842004,00.html

Football Man takes on massive job at Big Club

Harry Pearson
Friday August 11, 2006
The Guardian


There were excited scenes this week when the predictions of the PR wing
of the Big Club were proved correct and A Football Man was unveiled as
the Big Club's new manager. A Football Man succeeds A Man the Fans Could
Never Really Relate To who left the club 10 days ago by mutual sacking.
Speaking for the first time from his freshly designated parking place, A
Football Man, whose appointment has been an open secret with local
bookmakers ever since his name appeared in the frame after he threw his
hat into the ring following a six-month sabbatical to pursue
unemployment and other opportunities outside the game, said he was
delighted with his new role.
Everyone knows that the Big Club is a genuine football club," he said.
"The whole place lives, breathes and sweats football. It's 110%
wall-to-wall solid football through and through from the carpet tiles to
the tea lady's hair and the heavens beyond, and you can't beat that in
mine or anyone else's book.
"Make no mistake, the job here is massive but that is what attracted me
to the salary. The players' heads are down, their tails are between
their legs and the crowd is on their backs. I don't make promises but
one thing I will promise is that I will bring back effort, pride,
character and card schools to this club.

"We are in the trenches. It is a time for the players to roll their
sleeves up, dig deep and say, 'Just deal the cards, fat man' in a Clint
Eastwood voice. That way, even if they fail, they can at least look
themselves square in the mirror and say they gave it the best shot with
the hand they were dealt, because if they don't they will kick
themselves for the rest of their lives and they'll deserve to.

"It's a pressure-cooker situation. But I love a pressure cooker. I love
a battle. I love a Chinese-style steamer pan. I love being up the creek
in a hole with my back to the wall and a corner to turn and a mountain
to climb. People who know me will tell you that I relish a challenge."

"He relishes a challenge," A Man Who Knows Him said. Asked what he
thought The Man He Knows would bring to the challenge he relishes, A Man
Who Knows Him added: "Football Man is a great motivator. He knows when
to put his arm round your shoulder and when to kick your backside and
when to put his arm round your backside and kick your shoulder and
sometimes both at once, if he deems it necessary so to do."

"I don't suffer fools gladly, and that applies to myself as much as
anybody," Football Man continued, "but I come in with no preconceived
ideas - except about bringing back hanging to protect Britain's kiddies,
obviously. All the players will start with a clean sheet but if they
blot their copybook I will mark their card and they will be on their
bikes showing me a clean pair of heels before their feet touch the
ground".

This was believed to be a veiled reference to Want-away Striker, who
earlier in the week issued a come-and-get-me plea in an attempt to end
his English nightmare.

However, last night Want-away Striker moved to distance himself from
himself, saying: "You shouldn't believe everything I say in the
newspapers. Most of it is just paper talk and the rest is an old story I
rehashed from mistranslated quotes that I made up a long time ago. What
is happening Signor Capello? Did you lose my mobile number? No, I never
said that."

Supporters of the Big Club had never warmed to A Man The Fans Could
Never Really Relate To, but they were ecstatic about the appointment of
Football Man. One excited season-ticket holder, who had once met a
reporter at a party and given him his telephone number in case he ever
wanted any plumbing done, said: "Although he has never actually won
anything Football Man is a 24-carat winner. He will put a spring back in
the face of this football club and smiles in a few bellies. Ever since
he walked through the door there has been a buzz about the place, which
is probably because he brought his beehives with him."

A widely respected former player, who now works for local radio in
between pubs, concurred: "Except when it is all about results, the game
is all about confidence. Football Man will get the dressing room behind
him and he will get the dressing room bubbling again. And everyone in
football knows that if you have a bubbling dressing room behind you and
pulling in the same direction when it comes to turning things around,
then that is half the battle. But half a battle does not win a war and
Football Man will know that better than anyone, even me probably."

In all the elation surrounding Football Man's appointment one voice
sounded a note of caution, however. An Embittered Ex-pro commented: "I
wish him well, but nothing is as good as it was in my day and there are
far too many foreigners. Did I tell you about that time Nozzer, Snozzer
and me got in the bath with Miss Felixstowe Maplin's 1972?"

Harry Pearson is a genius. People should read his brilliant account of watching football in the North East(of England), The Far Corner. Came out about 10 years ago, but still one of the best and funniest accounts of what being a football fan is all about. I'm sure he watched Brandon Utd during his travels!

I read that book! It was a brilliant read.