Wee chap goes into the library and says to the rather prim female librarian:

"Hey hen, yi ony books oan suicide?"

"Fak off, ye'll no bring it back".

Same wee chap walks into the same library the next day and says to the librarian,

"A fish supper and 2 pickled onions please"

The librarian looks around and with a puzzled look replies, "I'm sorry, but this is a library"

The wee chap looking mortified says, "I'm terribly sorry... (whispers) A fish supper and 2 pickled onions please"

Man and a lobster go into a library.
The librarian tells the man that the lobster is banned.
"Why?" asks the man.
"He was in here yesterday giving it all that"
says the librarian...

Why did the Librarian fall and slip on the library floor?
Because she thought she was in the non friction section!

WAHEY!!

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.

Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.

The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

Change of venue:-
Man walks into the opticians with a shoebox under his arm. Assistant asks if she can help. Bloke shoves the shoebox over the counter and says " I'm in tae see ye aboot this ". The assistant opens the box to find a massive turd inside about 12 inches long and 4 inches thick. Assistant says " I think it's a doctor you need to see about this " Bloke says " Aye bit shid ma een watter whin a dae wan o' them "

Guess who I bumped into today at the Opticians?....

.....EVERYBODY!!!

What's happened to your dog?

He died,committed suicide.

How do you know that?

Why else would he have jumped off the balcony?

Man walks into a bakers and asks for a wasp.
"We don't sell wasps", says the assistant.
"Well you have them in your window" replies the man.

I'm beginning to regret starting this.......

On a recent visit to Whitley Bay, I decided to go into the quayside at Newcastle, to the market beside the Tyne Bridge. The place was fairly quiet but I saw a crowd of people further along the quay looking down into the river. As I got closer I saw a dog struggling for survival. When I arrived at the scene, a waiter appeared out of the Italian restaurant close by. He stripped off to his boxer shorts, dived in,grabbed the dog and carried him onto the quayside. He had difficulty giving the dog the kiss of life because of the shape of its muzzle. He succeeded, however, and within a few minutes the dog was trotting around fully recovered. The crowd applauded and one old lady said to the waiter "That was wonderful, are you a vet?" to which he replied "Am I a vet am a fuckin' soakin'".

Man walks into a pub wi a girafe, the barman says, "You cannae leave that lyin there" the man replies "Its no a lion its a girafe."

Did you hear about the minister's randy daughter who swallowed the broken glass......
The church male voice choir started singing in hebrew